First of all, I’d like to apologise for how late this post is. FOUR DAYS LATE. I’ve been a very busy gal with uni and all that, but at least I managed to publish one in the end.
So, in my blog post last week I talked about how *extremely* worried I was about starting uni, even though uni is a fresh, crisp chapter in my life which I was very excited about. However, after my first week at uni I realise I had nothing to be worried about. In fact, my first week has spurred me on to write this post.
For my post today, I wanted to talk about stepping out of your comfort zone. My first week of uni has made me realise how much I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone in terms of my anxiety, and I wanted to share my experience of it – because I am honestly so proud of myself.
I have always been completely honest and open about the fact that I suffer from anxiety here on my blog. I’m not ashamed of it; it’s a part of my life I have to deal with on a daily basis. Even if it is a bloody nuisance at times, it’s a part of my personality, and I just have to deal with it. Onwards and upwards.
I was so worried about starting university. I’m quite shy in social situations, so I was terrified at the prospect of having to meet new people and build relationships. I have to do a 25-minute commute on the train to uni every day, and because I’m not a fan of travelling on public transport I was worried about doing this. I was worried about Freshers Fortnight because I’ve never really been ‘out out’ as I hate dark, crowded places. In a nutshell, as much as I was excited for uni, I was also bloody terrified.
When you suffer from anxiety on a daily basis, it’s easy to slip into a routine to prevent your anxiety from giving you grief. It’s easy to not do things because you associate them with being anxious, for example I hate getting on trains because I’ve had many panic attacks on them, so now whenever I do get on one that pesky voice in my head likes to remind me those experiences.
Even though I had that pesky voice in my head telling me that I’d find these things hard, I carried on. I have tested myself every day. I’ve woken up early and got on the train during the peak times when public transport is busy. I’ve had to meet new people and make new friends – which, by the way, was surprisingly easy because everyone is in the same boat and is worried about making friends. I’ve also been out clubbing TWICE this week, which is something I never thought I’d say, because I couldn’t think of anything worse than a dark, hot, crammed room and being elbowed in the face by some sweaty bloke – but somehow all my worries evaporated and I took it all in my stride.
There has constantly been that voice in my head telling me that I will get anxious, but I feel like I’ve just sort of learnt that I don’t have to be submissive to it. If anything, this week has made me realise that you have to push yourself, as daunting as it seems, to find out what you are actually capable of. Life is a lot more enjoyable when you tell that voice in your head to bugger off.
University is the reason why I get out of bed at the crack of dawn and push myself to do these things which are out of my comfort zone. And I know I’m only at the end of my second week, but I can already tell that these next three years of my life will be a chance to progress and develop myself – and to prove that pesky voice wrong in every way I can.
If you don’t step out of your comfort zone, you’ll never truly know what you’re capable of. Chances are that you are a lot more capable than you think, and it’d be a shame to live life in your own little bubble and not experience life outside of it.
Only you know your limits, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t test them. And if it turns out that you do find it challenging, then that’s perfectly okay. If you really want something to work, you will find a way round it. It’s all about trial and error and finding out what works for you.
Find your reason to get out of bed and be excited for the day, and push yourself to achieve magical things. You won’t regret it.
Tomorrow, I begin my life at university, and I could not be more excited if I tried.
I’m going to the University of Brighton to study Media Studies. I have no idea where this course is going to take me, but I hope it’s somewhere good. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do after my course, and so far, I’m liking the idea of a career in journalism because I absolutely adore writing. However, in three years-time my ideas may completely change. But we’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it.
Although I’m not getting the full experience because I haven’t moved away from home, I’m so excited to see what student life entails. I can see myself sat in the library behind my laptop writing up my assignments, reading, wandering about campus wearing a Uni of Brighton hoodie (which is one of the first things I am getting, just so I can study in comfort). It feels like I’ve had to wait forever for Uni to begin, but now it’s finally here AND I AM SO HAPPY.
I wasn’t always planning on going to university. Back when I was at school and my anxiety first started, I was intending to leave education ASAP. I absolutely hated being education and felt so oppressed by it that I just wanted out. I was expecting to feel the same at college, however going to college was probably the best two years of my life – so far. College completely changed my perception on education, and it made me realise that I wanted more out of life. Studying Media Studies at A Level was such a blessing, and I’m so happy that I managed to find an area that I love learning about.
So, here I am. YA GIRL IS GOING TO UNIVERSITY. It still hasn’t quite sunken in, to be honest.
Like I said before, school is where my anxiety really started to influence my life daily. Four years later, although I no longer feel the need to receive counselling for it, it still affects me quite a lot. Recently my anxiety has affected my sleeping, how often I go out the house, and it’s also made me quite worried about uni. Also, I haven’t been entirely happy within my job and I’ve had panic attacks at work, which haven’t been fun in the slightest.
Admittedly, there are a few things I am worried about with uni. I’m worried that I’ll find it hard to make friends because I haven’t moved into Halls, I’m worried about Freshers because I don’t know anyone, I’m worried that I’ve hyped up university so much that when I get there it won’t actually be as good as I thought it would be, I’m scared that I’ll hate university or find it hard to cope with… Basically, despite being unable to contain my excitement, I’m also bloody worried about the whole thing.
When it comes to having anxiety, it’s easy to just want to stay in the comfort of your home all day and not want to go out. It’s easy to say ‘no’ to new opportunities and to shy away from going out of your comfort zone. I’ve been in that position before and I’m determined that I’m not going to let that happen while I’m at uni.
Applying for university is one of the things that I’ve done for myself to ensure that I will have a good future, and there is no way I’m going to let my anxiety interfere with that. Not today, Satan.
So, over the next three years, especially this year, I’m going to do anything and everything I can while I’m at uni to ensure I have the best experience possible. I’m going to go out whenever I can, join clubs and societies and work my butt off to make sure I come out of uni knowing I tried my hardest to have the best time. Hopefully, in three years-time, I’ll walk away from university with a degree and some of the best memories that I’ll hold forever.
Here’s to a new and exciting chapter in my life – a chance to progress and build myself, and to discover new things about myself. Cheers, my dears.
You know when your foundation runs out so you head to Superdrug to buy some more and end up coming home with literally a whole new face of beauty products? Yeah, that happened to me. I cannot help myself, and it’s a bad habit. I need to stop spending my money ASAP.
In the past month, I’ve probably bought around 10 new beauty products, and although I most definitely didn’t need to spend out on half these things, I’m happy nonetheless because I think I’ve managed to find a few gems.
I picked out my five favourite products which I’ve bought recently, which all just so happen to be from either L’Oreal or Rimmel London – in my opinion I think these two brands are some of the best to come out of drugstore makeup and I use these products daily.
RIMMEL LONDON LASTING FINISH PRIMER, £6.99
This primer is probably the best I’ve used. It evens out my skin tone and it makes my makeup last – I can do an 8-hour shift at work and my makeup will all still look intact. I also like the fact that it doesn’t mattify my face, as I think that mattifying makeup makes my face look as though it lacks dimension.
L’OREAL TRUE MATCH FOUNDATION, £9.99
My beloved MAC Face and Body foundation ran out, and, being a poor student, I didn’t want to spend out over £20 on a new one. I did my research and watched countless foundation reviews on YouTube and decided on this one. Can I just say how amazing the selection of shades are?! There were so many, I didn’t even know where to begin! I tried to test them out in store, by comparing my skin to the photos of the models wearing the different shades, and I ended up picking the shade ‘2.N, Vanilla’; I tested it out when I got home and it was pretty much perfect for my skin tone. It’s a medium coverage foundation, it’s not too dewy but it’s not matte which is fab, and it feels gorgeous and silky on the skin – not to mention that it blends out like a dream! I’m chuffed that I found this.
RIMMEL LONDON MATCH PERFECTION LOOSE POWDER, £6.99
I used to use the NYX Loose Powder, however I found that it just wasn’t cutting it anymore as my makeup wasn’t lasting as well. I’ve heard loads of good things about this powder so I thought I’d give it a go. This powder is great considering it’s only £6.99 – it makes my concealer last longer under my eyes and it also helps to keep my t-zone looking less oily. The only thing I’m not a fan of is the cushion pad thing it comes with – I’ve never used it and I don’t intend to, and it makes such a mess when you lift it out to swirl your brush around it! And because a lot of product has stuck to it I don’t want to throw it away… what a predicament!
L’OREAL BROW ARTIST XPERT PENCIL, £6.99
At first, I wasn’t sure about the shape of the pencil as it’s triangular and I thought that, as time would go on, it would get too thick. However, the shape works really well in achieving the shape you want to create with your eyebrows. It also comes with a spoolie on the end of the pencil which is always an added bonus. You can either achieve a natural look brow or quite a sharp, dramatic brow depending on your preference – I tend to stick t natural otherwise I look like I have slugs for eyebrows! I think the colour selection could be better for people with lighter hair as the colours only seem to be for people with darker hair, although if used with a light hand I think someone with blonde or red hair could just about pull it off.
L’OREAL MISS BABY ROLL MASCARA, £7.99
This mascara promises volume and that’s exactly what it gives. I prefer volume over length when it comes to mascara, purely because I have quite long lashes and mascara that aims to lengthen lashes makes me look like I have spider legs surrounding my eyes – never a good look! My only problem with it is that it transfers quite a bit and I can end up with smudges under my eyes sometimes, so I might try out the waterproof one – however, this mascara is still fab and I would 100% recommend.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my new favourite beauty finds! If anyone has made some makeup discoveries recently then please share them with me.
It’s been nearly three weeks since I passed my driving test now, and it’s safe to say that I’ve experienced a lot in that time. Before I passed my test, I was aware of the responsibility I’d have owning my car, but I don’t think I appreciated how big that responsibility is! However, I love being able to drive and having the freedom and independence that comes with it.
There are a lot of people I know, and I’m sure many of you reading this, that are learning to drive and I have been asked quite a few times what it’s like to be able to drive now. So, I thought I’d share my experience of being a new driver – because it’s been quite a journey.
IT’S NOT EASY TO DRIVE YOUR CAR FOR THE FIRST TIME
When I drove my car for the first time, I imagined being able to get used to it straight away and that I’d be cruising down to the drive-thru Maccies in no time. However, when I tried to reverse off our drive, I stalled TWICE. Eventually, my Dad had to reverse it on to the road for me and then I drove it around the block a few times, but whenever I changed gears the car would lurch so much. I just couldn’t get used to the clutch in my car because the biting point is so high. I felt so disheartened after the first time I drove it, however I tried again later on that evening and actually managed to reverse off my drive and drive down to Sainsbury’s to fill up the car with petrol, which was a small victory for me.
Even after a week of driving my car I kept stalling all the time, however over the past two weeks I haven’t stalled at all (yippee!) so I’m feeling more confident in myself when I drive. I used to make mistakes quite a bit when I’d be driving other people around because of the added pressure of having them in the car with me, however driving my car now feels like second nature so I don’t feel under pressure when driving others around.
YOU BECOME A PERSONAL TAXI SERVICE
My mum loves the fact that I can drive now. I drive us to the shops, to the Leisure Centre where we’ve joined a Clubbercise class, and pretty much anywhere she wants to go. I also ferry my brother and dad around too, which they love – although, my dad still likes to tell me how to drive, which is quite funny. My dad has been the designated driver for our family for over 20 years, so I think he’s happy that he doesn’t have to drive us all around now!
The other day I took my friends to Maccies and drove them home from Sky High Trampoline Park, and they offered me petrol money but I felt too guilty taking money from them, so they just paid for my McNugget meal instead – winner winner chicken dinner!
LITERALLY 99% OF OTHER DRIVERS ARE IDIOTS
It’s not until you start driving yourself that you notice how many drivers on the road probably shouldn’t be driving. I never used to understand why my dad got such bad road rage, but now I can clearly see why. New drinking game: take a shot every time I call someone a twat whilst driving – guaranteed to get you drunk within minutes.
It’s mad how many people will take over you when you’re driving at the maximum speed limit – I was driving through town the other day at the 20mph speed limit on this narrow high street with cars parked on the side of the road, and this person took over me and zoomed off into the distance! Like, soz mate, I’m not gonna speed up because you want to get to your destination 5 minutes earlier than you would if you actually stuck to the limit.
The one I hate most is people not using indicators – especially on roundabouts. The amount of times someone hasn’t had their indicator on and I’ve been waiting at the roundabout to try and work out where they’re going so I know if I can go or not is actually ridiculous. IT’S NOT BLOODY HARD TO USE THEM!
The best advice I got given is to treat all the other drivers on the road as if they’re all idiots and don’t know how to drive. That way, you can drive safely and defensively. No matter how safe you drive, you literally can’t trust anyone else on the road.
HAVING A CAR IS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOU THINK
I went for the cheapest fully comprehensive insurance possible as all insurance for new drivers is SO expensive. I have a blackbox fitted in my car, so I can monitor how well I drive and in turn, if I drive well, I get rewards quarterly and get discount at renewal next year. So far, my driver score is 10/10, and my goal is to maintain that.
It doesn’t stop at insurance, though. It costs £15 to for a quarter of a tank of petrol (which lasts for a week), then road tax is over £100 a year. I feel bad buying myself anything now because I know that any money I spend can either be saved or spent on my car! However, the total cost of my car each month is still less than what I paid for driving lessons each month, so I should (hopefully) be able to start saving some serious dollar now.
That’s all I can think of right now, however as time goes on I’m sure I’ll realise a lot more things! Learning to drive is probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself – I only got a job in the first place so that I could afford driving lessons as I didn’t want my parents to pay for them, and I saved up any spare money I had to buy my own car, so now that I can drive and it’s down to all my own efforts, it’s so rewarding.
Have a great week, I’ll be back soon with another post!
Long time no see – well, like three weeks. I hope you’re all well, anyway.
Let me explain myself.
So, the last time I published a post was during my week of work experience with John Lewis, which, by the way, was very fun. However, it meant that I was leaving my house at 6am and I wasn’t getting home until near enough 8pm everyday. So I was too bloody shattered to even want to write a post for the following week. Then the week after that, I was a nervous wreck before my driving test, and whenever I went to write a post my mind went blank – good news though, because ya girl passed first time! Wahey.
Then the day after my driving test, I went away for a long weekend with my family and had no wifi for 4 days, and when I got back last Monday I was too focussed on my car and being able to drive that I sort of didn’t even think about writing a post. And, in between all these things, I’ve been doing overtime at work so I can save up some serious dollar.
It feels like forever since I last published something, but I didn’t want to create content I’d be unhappy with. Alas, I am back.
Remember my last post, My August Bucket List, and how I said I was going to write a blog post every day in August? Well, I deserve that tenner because we’re currently 8 days into August and this is my first post. Ha. That idea has gone out the window. But, hey, there’s 11 more months in a year to be able to do a whole month of blogging… maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years. The limit doesn’t exist.
However, I have been keeping to the rest of my Bucket List – mostly. I am now driving, and I’ve been doing a lot of overtime; oh boy, I can’t wait for pay day this month. Eating more fruit is a challenge I face everyday though.
There are still a few things to tick off my list. I wanted to go to the gym at least two times a week, which has been near enough impossible these past few weeks because I’ve been so busy, but now my life is a little less hectic I’m going to work hard to achieve this one. I mention this particular one because for today’s post I wanted to talk about my Fitness Goals for the rest of this year.
I have a love-hate relationship with keeping to a healthy lifestyle. I’m surprisingly really into keeping fit and I love exercising, but here’s my issue: one day I’ll go to the gym and eat relatively healthy meals, on other days I’ll get a McNugget meal and feel bad about it, so I eat more junk food to comfort myself. I can’t win.
These past few weeks I’ve noticed the effects of not being able to exercise as much or eating things I shouldn’t really be eating. I’ve been spotty, tired, and I’ve put on weight. But, as the saying goes, you don’t get the ass you want by sitting on it – so now that I have more time, I want to make changes to my lifestyle FOR GOOD. I want to feel fab in this body I’ve been given.
So, here’s what I want to achieve by the New Year:
Do at least 15 minutes of cardio when at the gym – yes, I don’t even do that much now, and I am deeply ashamed.
Improve my upper body strength – my lower body strength is pretty decent (I can leg press 60kg, which is more than my body weight, so I’m happy with that) but my upper body strength is appalling. I can’t do 10 press ups without feeling like my arms will give way under my body weight; to be honest, I’ve never really bothered working my arm or chest muscles, but I’m working on changing that.
Lift heavier weights and do more reps – I feel like this is where my problem is. I’ve got used to my routine at the gym and I haven’t changed it up, so I’m not noticing any difference. I’m going to start by increasing my reps by ten, and when that gets too easy I’ll go up a weight.
Change up my diet – I don’t want to go on some mad, restrictive diet. I love eating and I actually want to enjoy my diet, and I won’t get that by eating salad for dinner… seriously who actually enjoys eating salad?! But basically, I want a kind of balance where I can eat a nutritious and beneficial food but at the same be able to eat McNuggets and not feel bad about it, you get me?
Create a healthy lifestyle I can stick to – like my diet, I also want my lifestyle to be healthy yet balanced. I don’t want to spend hours in the gym or exercise a crazy amount or restrict myself to eat certain foods, but at the same time I know I need to make a few changes to my current lifestyle. I guess it’s all about trial and error and finding out what works for me so I know what’s realistic to stick to in the long run.
So, they are my Fitness Goals that I want to have achieved by the New Year. Let’s see if I can actually stick to this one, unlike my failed August Bucket List!
Have a fab week, and I’ll be back again next week with another post.
As you’re reading this, I’ll be on my way home from my second day of work experience with John Lewis at their Head Office in Victoria! I’m writing this on Sunday (hello, from past Hattie) and I honestly don’t know what to expect, but I hope it will be fun! I plan on writing a blog post on it next week.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in a rut recently. This past week, life hasn’t really worked in my favour and everything has felt a bit much. I’ve felt so unmotivated to do anything. I wasn’t going to publish a blog post this week, however I know I will kick myself if I don’t! I created this blog to help my outlook on life be more positive, so here I am. I’m going to carry on writing to my heart’s content.
On Twitter, this person tweeted a photo of someone’s summer bucket list that they found lying around somewhere, and it was hilarious. It made me think about how there’s so many things I want to do in August – definitely not some of the things they put on their list, but still. I composed a list of all the things I wanted to achieve in August to help keep me motivated, and to also give me a reason to get off my backside everyday.
So, here’s my August Bucket List:
Go to the gym at least two times a week
Get driving – hopefully I will have passed my test by August
Do as much overtime as I can at work
Save money
Get out the house everyday
Explore somewhere new
Go for walk along the coastal road, starting from Brighton Marina and going back towards Peacehaven
Upcycle some furniture
Read three new books
Eat at least two pieces of fruit a day (trust, this will be the hardest because I hate fruit)
Get more tanned
Spend an evening at the beach
Take full advantage of my Netflix free trial
Try a new hairstyle
Publish a blog post EVERYDAY (oh boy why am I doing this to myself)
Learn to cook
Bake something
Make some smoothies
Socialise every week
Cycle to McDonald’s and get some McNuggets (I’ve wanted to do this one for a while, ha)
That’s all I want to do so far – as you can see, my goals for the next month aren’t very aspirational! However, having something to work towards every day will definitely keep me motivated.
As you probably saw, I’m planning on blogging every day in August too! I thought of this idea back in June when I was doing my A Levels, so now I can finally put the idea to practice. I think it’s going to be a challenge, but I’ve already come up with a plan of what posts I’m going to write… RIP me.
At the end of August, I’ll give you all an update on whether I’ve managed to achieve my bucket list… a tenner says I don’t!
When you think of mental illness, you think only of how a person’s mind is unwell. Something that is often forgotten is how suffering from a mental illness can affect you physically, too.
If I’m honest, the physical symptoms of anxiety are just as bad as the mental symptoms. If anything, the mental symptoms feed off the physical and cause you to feel even more anxious.
The physical symptoms of anxiety differ from person to person, however I thought I’d share the ones I’m most familiar with, just so I can try to paint an honest picture of them.
SHORTNESS OF BREATH
I can only describe this as feeling like you’re being suffocated. No matter how deeply you breathe, it feels like someone is pressing down on your chest and forcing your air supply to lessen. It can be mild, or it can feel like you’ve just run up ten flights of stairs and you’re struggling to catch your breath.
HYPERVENTILATION
This is usually the result of a panic attack. Hyperventilation happens when you breathe too fast; when you breathe normally there’s a healthy balance of how much oxygen you breathe in compared to how much carbon dioxide you breathe out, however during hyperventilation you exhale more than you inhale. This can cause you to feel light-headed and nauseous since it slows down the way your body works normally. It feels like it’s never going to end, and as sinister as it sounds, you feel like you’re going to die.
‘LUMP IN THROAT’
You know when you’re feeling quite emotional and choked up, and you get that lump in your throat feeling? Imagine having that for hours, or even days, on end. This is a symptom that has only presented itself in the last few months and it’s not the nicest of feelings, I’m not gonna lie. Again, the extent of it varies – it can either be something that doesn’t bother you too much, or it can get to the point where you feel like you can’t swallow or that you feel like you could gag. Sometimes it makes eating a real challenge because you really have to force yourself to swallow – as someone who constantly thinks about their next meal and who loves food, I don’t appreciate this symptom at all.
CHEST PAIN
The chest pain can be anything from a dull ache to a sharp, piercing pain right through the middle of your chest. Or it can feel like there’s a huge weight pressing down on your chest, like the feeling with the shortness of breath. It’s been reported that people have gone to hospital because they’ve had severe chest pain accompanied by an increased heart rate and they think they’re having a heart attack, when really it’s just anxiety being a lil bitch.
DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS
And I’m not talking about a deeply troubled digestive biscuit. Anxiety can cause you to feel nauseous, or even have an upset stomach. This is probably the worst symptom for me; if anxiety causes me to feel sick it makes me feel even more anxious because of my phobia of vomit. It’s like a vicious cycle – I feel anxious, which makes me feel sick, which makes me more anxious, which makes me feel more sick… You get the gist.
MUSCLE ACHES
This is the one symptom that I always get whenever I’m anxious; every anxiety attack is different and causes different symptoms, however this is the one recurrent symptom for me. It causes my body to feel heavy, my joints to feel stiff and all I want to do is curl up in bed with some films and snacks. I’d say that this symptom gets me down the most, because even though I try and power through my day and ignore it, it’s a feeling which doesn’t go away easily.
FATIGUE
This is sort of like the muscle aches, because you feel like you have no energy whatsoever to face whatever the day brings. No matter how much sleep you get, you still feel tired. Anxiety can do one of two things: either make you sleep loads, or very little, but the outcome is pretty much the same in the sense that you never quite feel refreshed.
SHAKINESS
I’ve been compared to a chihuahua before because I shake so much. I don’t know if it’s anxiety related or not, but my hands shake constantly and I have no idea why. But when my anxiety levels are high, the shakiness gets worse, which I find so so embarrassing.
RESTLESSNESS
When I’m anxious, I find it hard to keep still. I suppose that it’s a way of letting out all your nervous energy. It’s worse if I have a panic attack; I find myself pacing around like a nervous wreck. I’m restless in the sense that I’ll jiggle my leg or foot, scratch my head, hold the back of my neck, change the position I’m stood or sat in, find an excuse to get up and move somewhere else… You know when someone gets so fidgety to the point where it annoys you to look at them, and you just think ‘oh my god, sit still!’, well that’s me when I find myself getting restless. I get annoyed at myself for being so restless, and I try to stop but I can’t! It’s so annoying.
They are the main symptoms I get. Like I said, every anxiety attack I have is different in some way, so each time the symptoms I have vary. I think that’s why it’s so hard to try and manage anxiety because every time you feel anxious it’s never the same as the last time. You never know what to expect.
I found a website that highlights all the possible symptoms linked to anxiety, which I think proves the extent to which mental illness has on you physically – you can read it here.
Ta very much for reading. I will continue to use this blog as a place to raise awareness on mental health; I started this blog when my anxiety levels were high, and I truly believe that it has helped me so much feeling able to write about it. If it helps me, I hope it can help anyone else in a similar position!
Hola! I hope you’re all good.
I wanted to dedicate this week’s post on the holiday I’ve recently been on. Last week I went to Mallorca with my best friend, Rowan, for 5 days, and I honestly had such an amazing time.
This holiday was a milestone in more ways than one – it was the first time I’ve been on holiday without my family, and the first time I’ve been abroad in 5 years, since I went to Germany in Year 8 with my school. So, I was SO excited but also a little bit nervous – I’m quite a nervous flyer, and I wasn’t looking forward to the plane journey.
On Sunday the 25th of June, I woke up at four a.m. ready to be picked up by my friend/Rowan’s boyfriend, Joe, who was driving us to the airport. I set two alarms to make sure that I woke up on time, and my mum also woke up at four because she doesn’t trust my ability to wake up. I had a cup of tea, got dressed, and I was ready to go. Joe picked me up at five a.m., then we picked up Rowan, and headed for Gatwick. We got there at six a.m. and checked in – because the last time I flew was back in 2006, I had no clue what to do so I heavily relied on Rowan to get me through the airport!
When we checked in, we got asked if we minded having seats by the emergency exit; she said we’d be sat next to each other, so we went along with it because that’s all we really cared about. When we found our seats on the plane we couldn’t believe how cushty we had it – there was literally just two seats by themselves instead of being sat in a row next to some randomers, and we had so much leg room that we could stick our legs straight out in front of us! It made my experience of flying a little bit more bearable and I felt less nervous about it.
The flight was better than I expected. I was expecting my ears to pop and for my knuckles to be white from clinging on to the arm rests, but the flight was so smooth and we arrived in Mallorca after an hour and fifty minutes. From Palma de Mallorca Airport we got a transfer to our hotel, which was situated a 5 minute walk away from the beach in S’Arenal.
Our hotel was pretty decent – it was a three star hotel, although on Tripadvisor I think it had been rated four stars. Our room had a balcony and you could see the beach in the distance, and the whole room was clean and the bathroom was quite modern. The only downside was that there was no aircon and the ceiling fan didn’t do anything apart from blowing hot air around the room, which was unbearable at times, especially when the average temperature was thirty degrees! However, the hotel had a swimming pool, which was so refreshing on hot days – you had to be quick to get a sun lounger with a parasol though!
On that Sunday we explored the area around our hotel; we found a Spar, which we visited everyday to buy Pringles and water (the Pringles were essential), and we also walked down to the beach and walked along the promenade. The beach was so dreamy – the sand was so fine and felt silky under your feet, the sea was warm and clear and you could walk out for ages without the water getting deep. There were palm trees EVERYWHERE. It made the beaches back home look awful!
The next day, we visited the tourist information to find out how we could easily get to Palma. There was the option of cycling along the beach, or getting the bus – we chose the bus because it was too hot to cycle. We did some shopping and traipsed the streets of Palma. The architecture was so beautiful! I bought a pink floral jumpsuit from Bershka, some pink sandals, and fake Ray Bans, because you haven’t really been on holiday until you’ve bought some Royo Boms, am I right?!
After a few hours, we headed back to our hotel because it was so so hot; in Palma it was thirty-six degrees, and walking around felt like so much effort. We chilled by the pool and had ice cream and cake – at our hotel, they served cake at four p.m. everyday, which is quite random but I didn’t complain. We then decided to go out for dinner; I looked up the best restaurants near us, and there was one along the seafront called Restaurante Del Sol. We had pizza and a prosecco and elderflower infused cocktail, which was very enjoyable. The pizzas were HUGE, but me being me I didn’t let it defeat me, and I managed to eat the whole thing in just over ten minutes.
On Tuesday, we got up early and went to Aqualand, which is the biggest water park in Mallorca. It was open from ten a.m. until five p.m., and we were there that whole time. IT WAS SO FUN. I’m not the kind of person that enjoys themeparks, and the only rides I enjoy are water ones, so this kind of place was right up my street. I was a bit apprehensive at first to go on the bigger slides, but eventually I got really into it and we went on every water ride there. There was a pool which had a wave machine in, so we went for a swim in it – it only lasted ten minutes at a time, however after each wave session a water aerobics instructor called Toni came out and got everyone in the pool to dance to really upbeat music. It was like a huge pool party! I got so sunburnt that day, but it was such an amazing experience that I won’t forget.
In the evening, we went out for a few drinks. First we went back to Restaurante Del Sol, as it had a bar there as well as a restaurant, and we both had Strawberry Mojitos. That bar closed at eleven p.m, so we walked along the promenade and found another bar, where we had some Prosecco. We stayed out until one a.m. and the Prosecco had gone straight to our heads, so we ended up being quite hyperactive. As we were walking back to our hotel we saw there was a party going on at the beach, so obviously we had to gatecrash it!
Wednesday was our last full day, so we decided to make the best of it. In the morning we tried to top up our tan just to ensure we were brown and glowing before going back to the UK, where there’s no chance of that happening there. It was 10am and already thirty degrees, so we stayed mainly by the pool and we sat inside drinking really cold drinks and eating ice cream – and cake at 4pm, obviously. At around 5pm we went down to the promenade and rented some €6 bikes. We cycled around the beach and followed a cycle path up along the cliffs. There was such beautiful views of the sea and countryside merged together, surrounded by these really plush houses! Naturally we had to make a lot of Boomerangs on Instagram of us on our bikes – they’re so funny to watch back!
We cycled back to the main promenade and got some dinner (pizza again), which was much needed as cycling took up so much energy and we were absolutely shattered after that. We then went to our hotel, got our beach stuff, and went back down to the beach for sunset. We took so many photos of us doing handstands and cartwheels, us as silhouettes with the sun setting in the background. Then we walked back to the hotel, had a shower and got ready to go out for a few drinks. We wanted to have a litre of Margarita, however because we were sat in the restaurant instead of the bar area we just had to have the regular Margarita instead – we were gutted but I bet our livers weren’t! Because we were so tired we decided to call it a night, ready for our flight home the next day.
The next day was the day we flew home – I won’t bore you with all that again, it was just a standard flight with A LOT of turbulence. We went from a really sunny Mallorca to a cold and cloudy UK. It wasn’t until the car journey home that I realised how tired I was – so tired that I could only manage a Happy Meal when we stopped at Maccies! I was so sleepy, but obviously I had to tell my family all about my holiday as soon as I got home. I didn’t eat any meat at all while I was abroad, however as soon as I came home I had McNuggets and then a chicken curry that my mum made! I had two dinners that evening, but I wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity to eat any of those meals – they’re too good to be missed.
That was a very long post, I do apologise – although most of my posts are so long. Honestly, at school whenever I did essays I always went over the word limit; I just can’t help it! Sorry not sorry. I hope you enjoyed it regardless!
Going away on holiday has made me want to see more of the world. I don’t know if I could handle travelling, but I’d love to go on mini holidays every now and again, just to explore new places! Unfortunately that costs money, and that’s something I don’t have a lot of right now. RIP.
I’ll be back again next week for yet another post. Wahey.
One thing I get complimented on quite a bit is my skin. Despite the fact that it gets incredibly oily to the point where people get blinded by the light it reflects off my forehead, I’m lucky in the sense that the majority of the time my skin is relatively clear.
Around the age of eleven, when I started secondary school, my mum decided it was time that I stopped being a spotty git and she went out and bought me all this skincare stuff – seven years later I use pretty much the same products.
I can’t stress how important it is to look after your skin. The earlier on you start taking care of it, the more you delay the ageing process. So, I thought I’d dedicate a post on how I keep my skin clear and healthy, so when I’m sixty-three and still looking not a day over thirty, you can all refer back to this post to find out what my skincare secrets are.
EVERYDAY ROUTINE
First of all, I use the Soap & Glory Vitamin C Facial Wash. I always use this once I’ve brushed my teeth, because I’m a messy gal and always end up with more toothpaste around my chops than on my teeth. I splash warm water over my face, to open up my pores, and then I take a grape-sized amount of the facial wash and lather it all over my face. I then use cold water to rinse it off, as this supposedly closes your pores once you’ve given them a good clean.
Once I’ve done this, my face feels really dry so I move on to the next steps to hydrate my skin again. I use the Simple Cleanser, Toner and Moisturiser. I’ve used these three products by Simple since I was eleven, and it’s always the brand I go back to. I feel like it works really well for my skin and if I don’t use it everyday then my skin literally decides to seek revenge and break out.
With the cleanser, I squirt some of it on to a cotton pad, then use my finger to dab it all over my face. I then use the cotton pad to work it into my skin. Then, I squirt a small amount of the toner on to another cotton pad, and do the same.
With the moisturiser, I only use the tiniest amount because a little goes a long way. I squirt some on to my finger, and dab it all over my face – apparently, it’s better to do this than rubbing it into your hands first and then apply it to your face since your hands will end up soaking the moisture and you won’t really do a lot for your face. However, if I’m not wearing any makeup, I use the Soap & Glory Moisturiser because it makes my skin look glowing, fresh and plump.
Before I go to bed, or when I’m removing any makeup, I use the Garnier Micellar Water. Micellar Water is such a gentler alternative to makeup wipes – I find that wipes dry out my skin big time, and leave my skin feeling rubbed raw. This micellar water removes even the most stubborn makeup, and leaves you feeling refreshed. I love love LOVE it.
TWICE A WEEK
Once I’ve used my Micellar Water, I then reach for my beloved Nip+Fab Glycolic Fix Night Pads Extreme. I’ve already dedicated a whole post to these babies, which you can read here, so I won’t go on too much about these. I thought they would make my skin feel really dry, however it has the opposite effect. Because they’re quite strong, it’s recommended to only use them twice a week, which I do on Monday and Thursday evening. I just love these so much, and I have noticed such a difference in my skin since using these. I’ve stopped using spot serums on my skin since I’ve used these – my skin builds up such a resilience to serums and gels just because I’ve used them so much to the point where they have no effect whatsoever, and they’ve probably done my skin more harm than good due to the amount of chemicals in them!
I’ve also found that since I’ve been exercising more frequently my skin has improved in appearance. Apparently, the increase in blood flow when you exercise helps to flush ‘cellular debris’ out the system, essentially cleaning your skin from the inside. The more you know, I guess.
Another classic way of keeping your skin clear and healthy is by drinking water. Water literally solves EVERYTHING. Water is your best friend.
Water is literally all I drink every day – apart from copious cups of tea – and I think that’s probably the main reason why my skin is clear the majority of the time. When I’m at home I can drink around four to six pints of water a day, which may seem like a lot but it really doesn’t feel like it. I honestly can’t leave the house without a bottle of water. By drinking water you keep your skin hydrated and it helps to lock in moisture, which helps to delay the ageing process.
So, there you are. That’s how I keep my skin looking clear and healthy. I hope you enjoyed reading!
So, today I had my last exam! I actually can’t believe that I’ve finished college now, it’s crazy how fast this time has gone. Hopefully results day will be a success – fingers crossed!
Last Friday, the 16th of June, marked a year since I got discharged from CAMHS.
Although I’ve mentioned it in a previous post, if you don’t know what CAMHS is, it stands for Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, a counselling service provided by the NHS for under 18s suffering from a mental disorder.
This past year since I left CAMHS has flown by. For today’s post I wanted to talk about my experience with CAMHS, since it played quite a huge part in my life over a period of around 10 years.
I’ve been referred to CAMHS by my GP three times. Reading that, you probably think I’m problematic as hell, but let me explain. The first time was when I was around five or six years old, the second was when I was fourteen and the third and final time was when I was sixteen.
ROUND ONE
When I was very young, I had a stomach bug, which led me to develop emetophobia (a phobia of vomit). This phobia is something which still hugely affects me today, however it’s definitely a lot more manageable now than 10 years ago.
This stomach bug made me very weary of the food I ate. I only ate food I deemed ‘safe’, aka food I believed wouldn’t make me poorly. I only ate food of certain colours, textures and brands, for example Waitrose Organic Chicken Goujons, Walkers Salt and Vinegar Crisps, Fries To Go Microwaveable Chips, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Chocolate and Petis Filous Strawberry Yoghurt. My parents tried anything and everything to try and make me eat a healthier diet but I would get myself in such a state over it that they just let me eat those foods because eating that was better than eating nothing at all.
It was wrongly assumed that I was just a fussy eater, but my parents knew there was something more to it and eventually I was diagnosed with Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. I got referred to CAMHS, I had regular Dietician appointments at the Children’s Hospital in Brighton and I also had blood tests and weigh ins at my Doctor’s surgery. I was quite underweight and pale with dark circles under my eyes; there’s a school photo of me from Year Four which shows this and I hate it so much because now I can see how poorly I actually was.
Luckily I’ve inherited my dad’s olive skin so I didn’t look pale af but I was SO skinny
I don’t really remember this first experience at CAMHS, so I won’t talk about this one in depth. My Mum said that I used to have to draw pictures of how I felt, but to be honest I don’t think it really sunk in that there was something wrong with me. As I got older, my family would try and tell me that if I didn’t change the way I ate I could get seriously ill in my teenage years. My auntie and I used to make food pyramids together to try and help me see that I needed a balanced diet. Eventually around the age of eight, my Nan said ‘if you put on two stone I’ll take you shopping’, so I worked hard to try new food. I started eating red meat, slowly introduced fruit and vegetables into my diet and I finally managed to put on weight with a more nutritional diet. You’ll be pleased to know that I earned my shopping trip to Tammy Girl in BHS!
It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve been open to trying new foods, but anyone who knows me will know that I love my food now and could eat for Britain if I tried.
ROUND 2
When I started Year 10 in September 2013, I had just started studying my chosen GCSE subjects – Sociology, History and Art – and I hated it. I dreaded going to school each day, I was constantly tired, I felt down and I couldn’t really understand why. I spent the majority of my time crying, especially on Sunday evenings or on my way to school in the morning. I used to hate going to sleep because I knew that when I woke up I’d have to go to school.
The only person I told was my auntie. I was too scared to tell my parents, but they could tell something was up.
Fast forward to January 2014. I was walking to school one morning, crying as per, and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizzy and sick and I honestly thought I was going to die. I text my auntie, who then called my Nan, and my Nan called me to tell me to go to her house, since my parents and brother were at work and she didn’t want me to be home alone.
I went to my Nan’s house, where she got me to tell her everything. She told me that I had suffered from a panic attack; at the time I didn’t really understand it, despite hearing of them before. But all I could think about was how awful and low I felt.
When my Mum got home from work, she phoned the Doctor’s Surgery and I had an appointment that week. I had the rest of the week off school so that I could try and come to terms with everything without stressing myself out further. I went to my Doctor’s appointment, and they ‘urgently’ referred me to CAMHS.
This experience of CAMHS was awful. I went to Lewes Victoria Hospital, where they have this building called Orchard House, which is where CAMHS is. I was taken into this little room where this senior counsellor and two other counsellors interviewed me, and I felt so pressured and intimidated by them; I literally had three strangers intensely staring me down, and they expected me to just open up to them. I really tried hard, but I just felt so unconfident that I wasn’t 100% honest. Eventually after an hour of interrogation, I was told ‘You don’t have anxiety, you’re just temporarily suffering from it’. It made me feel like I was being over dramatic, so I told myself I could handle it alone and I didn’t return for a second session.
ROUND THREE
At Christmas 2014, my Grandad was sick at my house since he over indulged on food, and being a diabetic it didn’t agree with his body. I had a panic attack, and after that I felt unwell for a good few weeks. I barely ate anything and I was convinced that I was poorly. My auntie thought I was suffering from anxiety again, which, when I thought about it, made sense.
I lost half a stone from not being able to eat, so my Mum took me to the Doctor’s again and I was referred to CAMHS in January 2015. The anxiety from that incident at Christmas just turned into general anxiety about anything. I couldn’t leave the house without getting anxious. I couldn’t go far from home and car journeys over 30 minutes long made me panic. The only way I’d go to school was if my Mum walked halfway with me on her way to work, but most of the time I’d get to school and get sent home again.
When I went back to CAMHS, I had a different counsellor called Zoe. Zoe was SUCH a babe. She suffered from anxiety herself, so she understood how I felt and knew how to help me. At first, sessions would last around an hour, but as the year went on they started to get shorter.
By April 2016, I had achieved so much; I could now travel on public transport alone, I could eat out at restaurants, I went up to London for the day without getting anxious, I went to concerts, I enjoyed going to college – all the things that would have felt impossible a year before. I hadn’t had a panic attack since December 2015, which was a long time for me because at my worst I had one at least once a day.
On Thursday the 16th of June 2016, I went to CAMHS like I usually did every 6 weeks. We talked for about 10 minutes before Zoe said ‘Harriet, I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. You can do all these different things and you aren’t afraid anymore. I think you’re ready to leave CAMHS for good’. I felt so triumphant and I was over the moon.
That weekend was an amazing weekend. That Thursday I stayed in a hotel with my Mum, Nan, Auntie and twin cousins for my Auntie and Uncle’s Wedding the following day. I was a bridesmaid, and earlier on in the year I was adamant that I’d get anxious on the big day, however I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was such a beautiful day.
My Auntie and Uncle’s wedding the day after I was discharged from CAMHS
Being told that I was able to leave CAMHS was honestly the best feeling ever. I became more social and willing to try new things, and I felt as though anxiety wasn’t a burden anymore, so I could get on with my life and do whatever I wanted. It really motivated me to better myself!
A YEAR ON
I’ll admit, when I left CAMHS last year, I thought it meant I was ‘cured’. I didn’t expect to suffer from anxiety again, and when I did it really took me by surprise and felt like the worst thing EVER.
Counselling doesn’t take away the fact that you suffer from a mental illness. Counsellors are there to listen and offer you guidance. It’s a way of accepting that you suffer from a mental illness, but you don’t have to let it consume you.
Before, suffering from anxiety restricted me in so many ways. The thought of suffering from anxiety for the rest of my life felt overwhelming, and at times I really couldn’t cope. Now I’ve learnt to accept it. I know what makes me anxious, but I try not to avoid it. You have to face your fears in order to realise that they aren’t actually as bad as your mind makes out.
I still suffer from anxiety, but it’s OK. I can go about my daily activities without it having an affect on my day. At times, I do feel awful with it, but I just try and do things which I know will make me feel better. This blog is one of those things.
My first experiences with CAMHS weren’t too great, but my last experience has honestly changed my life. I am so thankful for Zoe, my family and my friends who have supported me for all these years. You da best.
happily hattie 